I spent this last full moon cycle mostly in good spirit and very acomplished until the start of last week. Reviewing my Magick Diary, I performed a guided LBRP that was not to Golden Dawn standard, and included the invocation of two additional Archangels. This was on Sunday. I thought little of it except it was a bit strange.
That night, I awoke twice to an embarrasing nightfall, then I awoke completely drained of all energy and feeling near-death. The illness that had refused to go away had become strongest. I took my Ivermectin for the first time. It healed. I then ran out.
I contacted my Mother to tell her my concerns about her father, and the replies I recieved showed that she has not changed. I disowned her again and became so angry at her I briefly decided that I would be legally dropping my surname. I later decided against that, for I am too well-established with my surname, though it still disgusts me. The things she said disturbed me to my very core, and I did not even begin to recover until Thursday.
Throughout the rest of the week, intrusive thoughts and memories plagued my mind.
As I am here on this New Moon, reviewing my progress, I can tell that I have much left to make. Whether the disruption began with the Nightfall, or whether the Nightfall was caused by the non-standard LBRP, I do not know or care. What I do know is that I am actually thankful for my nightfall for it showed me many things about my body and my mind. I am thankful for the disturbance my ex-Mother caused me, for it allowed me to confirm that it truly wasn't me, it was her. This removed my guilt and past shame. It has also given new perspective on many past memories (though I was already on that path prior, her deplorable replies to me was a shock I needed towards that).
What I must do now is take the observances I have made over the past few weeks since the Full Moon, and incorperate them into this next Lunar half-cycle. I have intrusive thoughts still, and this is a major part of my next goal to overcome. These thoughts are not the thoughts of the last cycle. The shock to the ego from my ex-Mother has also given me renewed purpose to get as far away from this "family" as possible in the shortest amount of time. Blessings in disguise.
This next lunar half-cycle I will focus on keeping mindfulness, monitoring my own thoughts and rejecting negative ones, and working on the things I have set in motion already for my leaving (Goal 2 Months). I have not yet decided if I will yet attempt "The 7 Day Mental Diet" by Emmit Fox simply due to being unsure about my ability to at this time. Nonetheless, I am attempting to try "The Golden Key" (by the same person) to help me reject undesired memories and thoughts.
I still have some lust, and while it completely removed itself from me for a time thanks to the nightfall, it has slowly crept back. It has been ever so weakened and fleeting. Much of that perhaps is due to the ego-shock and the physical weakness of last week. Explaining more in detail would require some in-depth personal disclosures I don't wish to make at this time.
I continue to adhear to my schedule, missing only 2 days of my normal scheduled activities due to the illness. I continue my nightly rituals and meditative practices, and I still write-out and say my daily mantra:
Everyday, in every-way, I am getting better and better.